Last night I started reading Catch-22 by Joseph Heller I share the dude’s name and this book influenced one of my favorite authors. I think I’m four chapters in right now, and its hilarity is so revealing if you can stomach the pure ridiculousness of it. At the moment, the major message that I’m taking from it is that you have to be crazy to be a bombardier. Aside from war specifically, however, I started thinking about how you have to be crazy to be or to do anything at all in the world. Anything that you do involves a risk that you have to take in order to receive the payoff of whatever it is that you’re being or doing. In order to avoid the pitfalls of risk-taking (and losing), though, you must be and do literally nothing, hence becoming a potato on the couch (without even watching television). In that case, life itself becomes a catch-22 and a complete irony.
I couldn’t sleep tonight and I really don’t know why. I feel like how I did when I was depressed, but I think I just need a night of good clean fun and friendship to feel better. But everyone’s got their own stuff going on now so that’ll be tough; and I can’t really figure out why I feel left out and forgotten. I’m going to stop now before I start feeling like a complaining bitch.
I rarely feel this way because I enjoy being alone and doing my own thing, but on every holiday I feel extremely lonely. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are the three big familial holidays where relatives of families gather together to eat and keep each other company for three days out of the overly busy year. But I don’t really have a big family or any at all. (FYI, I am arguably lucky to have both parents and a sister in my life, but there is nothing that makes us a family except that we were all at one point miserable in the same house.) So each of these three days every year, I feel completely and utterly alone because all of my friends are off with their families and I’m left completely alone with mine, which makes me feel lonelier than ever because of the lack of our relationship and my knowledge of all my friends’ spending time with their families. Days like these are what make me think that I should just be left entirely alone all year ‘round so that I don’t have to suffer the way I do for these terrible seventy-two hours.
Earlier I was playing Pokémon while listening to some chill indie/acoustic stuff (Mansions!). Now, however, I’m quite bored. Luckily my teacher suggested we read this author’s novel so that we’d have something to talk about when he visits our class in May. Ahoy: prostitutes and Las Vegas! (Beautiful Children by Charles Bock)